Hurts like hell
by CallieArizonaPride
Summary: When Arizona leaves the courtroom with sole physical custody of her daughter, everyone expects her to celebrate, but the fetal surgeon can only feel like she has lost more than anything she could have possibly won.
1. Chapter 1

" _How can I say this without breaking_ _  
How can I say this without taking over  
How can I put it down into words  
When it's almost too much for my soul alone"_

Arizona took a deep breath when she saw Callie leaving the operating room. The brunette was tense, her shoulders were stiff and she had an arched eyebrow, in a sign of complete seriousness that was not common to the ever smiling woman's figure; Arizona could still identify the casual familiarity in Calliope gestures as she removed her surgical cap, letting her black hair fall on her back and breathing deeply with her eyes closed.

Given the events of the past week, Arizona could not think of a single reason to worry about the woman who had been her wife for years. Nevertheless, watching Callie overloaded and seeing the dolorous countenance she was showing made the pediatric surgeon feel compelled to comfort her.

Since the confrontation for full physical custody of little Sofia, the two mothers hadn't exchanged more than a friendly greeting in front of the girl. Arizona should feel good, everyone expected her to celebrate the victory, but her mind was as confused as before. Nothing about the situation they were in was normal or expected; ever since the divorce, both women had decided to act in a friendly manner for the sake of their beloved daughter, and Arizona couldn't understand how they had reached this point.

It was a fact that since the unfortunate moment in which the blonde had gotten involved with another doctor a few years earlier, Arizona had consented to everything that was proposed by Callie. In a certain way, the decision to consent to her ex-wife's every proposal was justified by guilt-Arizona would have never agreed to divorce, but the guilt that desolated her entire being prevented her from requiring anything of the partner and, from then on, every thought she had on claiming anything was silenced by remorse.

However, when the orthopedic surgeon announced with complete indifference and without the slightest consideration sign that she would take their daughter of halfway across the country to live with her new girlfriend, Arizona was left simply distraught. The fact that Callie wanted to follow her girlfriend on her new journey did not surprise her -it had happened to Arizona when she was sent to Africa for winning the grant -the brunette had always been enthusiastic and impulsive, but the speech given by the woman did not have any signs of contemplation about Arizona's thoughts on the situation.

Arizona shook her head shooing any impulse to walk towards Calliope and end any quarrel between them, and reminding herself of why she could not speak to the woman who she had once loved.

Recalling the things that Callie had put her through in court did her both good and bad at the same time. Thinking that her ex-wife had let her lawyer state that Sofia was less of her daughter for genetic matters made her feel such rage that was almost fatal to the surgeon, to the point of almost bursting into tears outside the operating room that she was about to enter. Arizona had won, she had taken his girl home and she would never have to stay away from her daughter again.

Sofia was her daughter. There was nothing wrong in the way the words sounded inside of Arizona's head; Sofia was hers -her daughter, her girl, her princess, her little one -but even thinking that the woman she had devoted her entire life to had completely different thoughts on that matter hurt her, thinking about it made the blonde fully break inside.

Arizona had won, but all she could feel was the immeasurable weight of loss: the loss of the woman she loved once again -and in a way that seemed irreparable to her -,loss of the friendly relationship they had built, loss of the confidence in the one single person who had possession of Arizona's essence -the blonde surgeon had given her entire being to the Calliope knowing that if she wanted, the brunette could destroy her, but without imagining that she would live to ever see that happening.

"Arizona?" the surgeon heard Alex's familiar voice calling her name in a delicate and careful way.

Alex knew her well enough and had seen the best and worst moments of Arizona's life, to the point of knowing exactly how were her habits and feelings. She knew Karev was concerned, from the moment she had gone back to work after the custody battle her friend had been hovering, making her feel home and trying his best to make her smile in the way that only Arizona knew how to -the super magic smile, the way Callie liked to categorize.

The blue eyed doctor turned to face Alex, losing sight of the brunette who was now talking to a resident about the surgery they had just performed and finding her friend's crooked smile right in front of her, holding a surgical mask pointed in her direction.

"Karev." Arizona greeted him in a friendly manner, leaning on the scrubbing sink of the operating room and giving the doctor an equally crooked smile.

"I'm ready when you are" he said, walking toward the sink and starting the mandatory cleaning process. "The mother is already on the table and fetus heartbeat is temporarily stable."

Arizona nodded, implying that she was aware of the situation.

"Thank you for helping me." She declared, starting her own scrubbing process and taking a deep breath again, in a concentrating act.

"You're kidding, right?" Alex replied playfully, hitting his shoulder on hers. "This is an awesome surgery, I'd be crazy to miss it."

Arizona gave him a more gentle smile this time.

"You know that's not what I mean" she completed.

Just like her ex-wife, Arizona had acquired some ritualistic habits that she performed before any surgery. For anyone who did not know her, the calculated stretching movements were casual and would indicate at most a muscular fatigue due to the heavy surgical routine she faced, but the doctor memorized each one and repeated them religiously.

Callie used to play with the ritual and the blonde could not help but remember the sweetness with which the wife liked to point each of the movements, as if he had spent hours the analyzing if and how the woman was amused the fact that Arizona he repeated the ritual also before cooking, or bathing in the small Sofia.

The doctor stretched his neck as he finished washing your hands properly, now trying to rid his thoughts of brunette who had just seen.

"Arizona" Alex called again, this time with a firmer tone, more worried. "Is everything okay? Do you want me to call the other fetal surgeon on call? If you are not well, go home, be with Sofia a few more days."

Arizona nodded, blinking several times and vaguely looking up, avoiding eye contact with the colleague, in a gesture that she used to repeat when she felt uncomfortable.

"Sofia has missed enough school days for the rest of the year," she said, her voice choking and her eyes still focusing anywhere but the friendly face who was by her side. "and I need to get back to work. I won, right? Why the hell would I not be fine?"

Alex bent his head in a sign of explicit tenderness and directing his still wet hands to his friend's shoulders, ignoring the fact that he had just spend four minutes scrubbing in vain, and proceeding with an almost forced hug, knowing that she would try to free herself from his grip in a first moment.

"Shh" he reassured her, not letting her move and slowly moving his hand to her hair, stroking her blonde curls gently, affectionately.

After a minute inside of her friend's embrace, in a safe environment, Arizona allowed herself to be surrounded by friend's arms, let herself fall and break outside in the same way she had been breaking inside for days. She let the tears fall, burning her pale cheeks as she tried to repress an irrepressible sob, she let herself lean on Alex, she let herself show all the weakness she had been hiding -hiding from Sofia, hiding from Callie, hiding from her friends.

Running his hand on Arizona's back in order to calm her, Karev continued to say comforting words and reassure her. He knew his friend was about to break down. Alex knew the blonde doctor better than she thought he did, and he was forever grateful for her existence, for her appearance in the hospital during his residency, for her help when it came to his journey in pediatric surgery.

Ever since the plane crash Alex had felt personally responsible for her, he had helped her when she came back to work, he had watched over her when everyone else seemed to judge her for her cheating act, he had taken care from afar when she went back to Callie, he had welcomed her in his own house when they got a divorce.

This time it wasn't any different. Alex knew better than picking sides in the custody battle, for he did not want to lose any one of his friends, but he knew how Arizona felt about it. He knew she was breaking for Callie as much as she was breaking for her own self. He knew she felt guilty, dirty and lost. He knew she was fighting an internal battle against herself, for she simply couldn't hate the other woman involved, even if every raging cell in her body told her to.

It was only after a few minutes that Arizona begun to calm down, taking deep breaths and letting go of the tight embrace she had been leaning onto.

It wasn't until they heard the door opening that they realized they were being watched. Standing in front of them the woman who had caused the mental breakdown Alex had just seen, Callie was speechless, watching the scene with a guilty and confused expression.

There was nothing about that scene that made sense to the brunette. She knew Arizona had been avoiding her, she knew her ex-wife hadn't come to gloat, but she couldn't understand why the blonde doctor was breaking down instead of her. Callie had been trying to keep it together for days; she had broken up with Penny, she had begged for her old job back in front of a not so friendly Bailey, she had listened to Meredith and basically everyone else she knew tell her how she should apologize to Arizona for all the things she had pulled against her in court. She was on the verge of breaking and everyone could see it, including Arizona.

The orthopedic surgeon knew she had used dirty methods, she knew she had deeply hurt her ex-wife and she felt constantly guilty for those shameful acts, but dealing with Arizona was simply too much for her in the last couple of days. She didn't think she would be able to stand in front of the blonde woman without crying, without remembering that somehow she had lost all of the happiness in her life to the woman, without thinking that she had ruined everything when trying to make everything right. Callie still couldn't understand how the hell they had ended up there. She could rationally see all of her mistakes, all of the wrong words she had pronounced, all of the moments that had led her right to the point she was; but she couldn't feel right.

Standing in front of Arizona felt like someone had punched her, like some car had run over her, like she had no strength at all. And the fact that the blue eyes standing in the room were filled with tears only made everything worse. Arizona was suffering. She was suffering just as much as her. She was suffering even if she had won. She was suffering because having full physical custody of Sofia meant that Callie lost, and the blonde woman couldn't help but feel like she had lost too.

Acknowledging that Arizona had those feelings made Calliope's heart feel tight in her chest. She had been trying to blame her, to find anything in the fetal surgeon that made her guilty, she had been holding on to the oldest memories of every time her ex-wife had hurt her in order to blame anyone but herself. But seeing the swollen eyes in front of her, seeing the woman she used to love more than anything in the world wipe away her own tears made Callie feel guilty, and filthy.

"Arizona" Callie managed to say the woman's name in a broken voice, almost letting herself burst into tears as well.

The brunette could see how the sound of her own name got to Arizona, how her body got weak and her eyes went back to the ceiling, trying to scare away the tears as she pursed her lips. It was clear that she was hurt, it was more than obvious that she was suffering, and Callie felt an absurd need of taking care of the woman. She needed to apologize, but she didn't even know how to begin. What should she apologize for? The court occasion? The decision of taking Sofia away from her other mother? The fact that she even thought of going with Penny? Should she apologize for giving up on them that day in the therapist's office? She couldn't figure out how far back she had to go to start apologizing.

"Arizona, I" Callie forced herself to proceed, taking a step towards the woman and letting the door close behind her, and watching as the woman in front of her took a step back, almost hiding behind Alex like a defenseless child. The fact that Arizona was scared of being anywhere near her made her deeply sad. "I'm -I'm sorry."

"Callie," Alex stepped in, giving the brunette an apologetic look. "Maybe some other time? I think you two could use a couple more days."

Calliope nodded. She knew better than to force the situation. In a resigned sign, she gave Arizona one last look, bending her head as if she was saying sorry without uttering any words, and then walked out of the room.

Alex turned right back to his friend, making sure the fetal surgeon was fine and giving her a comforting smile.

"You alright?" he asked, his hands once again on her shoulders.

"I'm fine," she declared rapidly, in an almost harsh way as she tried to lie her way out of the situation. She didn't want to talk about it and she knew he would understand. "Can you please just get the other fetal surgeon in that O.R? I need to go home to my girl."

Karev nodded and watched as Arizona left the room in a hurry.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I am deeply sorry for how long it took to update this story, but after the finale I had to change a bit of my plan and I got caught up with university and lots of work to do, but here it is now. This chapter has 2 parts and it is a bit longer than the previous one, and I intend for other chapters to look a little more like this one. So, I hope you like it, and leave a review with your thoughts, because I'd really love to know what you think and how I can improve. Thank you!**

 _"_ _Your little hand's wrapped around my finger_ _  
_ _And it's so quiet in the world tonight_ _  
_ _Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming_ _  
_ _So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light_ _  
_ _To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret_ _  
_ _I'd give all I have, honey_ _  
_ _If you could stay like that_ _"_

Arizona had been staring at her sleeping daughter for the past hours. After picking her up at school, the surgeon had taken her little girl home and they had spent the afternoon together, watching Sofia's favorite cartoons and having their favorite candies. It had been a good day after everything that had happened in the hospital that morning, and Sofia knew how to make everything better even without ever knowing something was wrong; but just like Arizona, the little girl was having trouble falling asleep over the past few days, and when bedtime came it took the mother long hours to get her to fall asleep.

Sofia had always been a sweet girl and, just like Callie, she had always had a level of empathy that surprised Arizona. No matter how hard she tried to hide, no matter how much she tried to show a happy facade in front of her, her daughter always knew when to take care of her mother and how to.

However, over the last week the tension had become so evident and so loud that it was clearly starting to hurt Sofia, who just couldn't sleep in her own bedroom anymore and woke up every night crying or screaming because of nightmares. The fact that her quarrel with Calliope was hurting their daughter made Arizona's heart ache and felt like she was being punched on her stomach. She felt sick for being responsible for Sofia's suffering, but she didn't know how to fix that – she didn't even know how to make herself feel better after everything.

Arizona had tried to cheer the little girl with her favorite food, and with surprise appearances at her school followed by long afternoons in the park, but behind Sofia's smile while playing, she could see that her baby was painfully aware of the situation and she just couldn't find a way of explaining it in a gentle way.

As expected, it didn't take much for Sofia to start moving uncomfortably in bed, whimpering and unconsciously turning her once peaceful expression into a disturbed grimace. Arizona started caressing her daughter's dark brown strand – carefully running her fingers through all of the extent of her long hair – and letting out calming sounds of reassurance in a failed attempt to get Sofia to snap out of the nightmare she was having.

"Sofia," Arizona called her name after some seconds, after realizing that her previous tactic wasn't working. "Sofia, wake up, baby. It's okay, mama is here. You can wake up."

The little girl opened her eyes widely and desperately looked for the calming voice that was talking to her, finding her mother looking at her with her gentle smile, even though her eyes showed infinite concern and painful guilt.

"Hey there, big girl" Arizona said as she got closer to Sofia and nestled her daughter in her own arms, tenderly rubbing the little girl's arms in an attempt of getting even closer and letting her baby feel her warmth. She covered Sofia with blankets and held her in her arms in the way she knew her daughter loved to be held when she was scared – Arizona would put Sofia on top of her and would let the little girl breathe her in as she stroked her dark hair in a loving way. "What's wrong, honey? It's super late, princess, what's keeping you awake?"

There were no words for almost an entire minute, and all Arizona could hear was the sound of Sofia's breath on her chest slowly becoming steady and easy. She kissed the top of her daughter's head, taking her own chance to breathe her in and absorb the scent that was unmistakeably hers - it was like the perfect mix of the sweetest jasmine and the darkest chocolate, which were combined into the irreplaceable smell of home.

"I can't sleep, mama." Sofia let the words out in a whisper as she wrapped her little arms around her mother's neck and started playing with the blonde strands that she loved so much. "I have nightmares."

"What kind of nightmares, baby?" Arizona asked and kissed her daughter's hair as she ran her fingers through Sofia's arm in an affectionate way, trying to calm her down in the way she knew. "Do you wanna tell me about them? Maybe I can scare them away?"

Sofia kept silent for a minute, her face buried in her mother's neck with her eyes closed as she breathed Arizona in and let her mother hold her tightly against her own body. The blonde woman could feel her daughter's fear, and her imminent hesitation as the little girl clung to her in a tighter way – barely noticeable in a physical aspect, but of huge significance.

"It's okay" Arizona repeated, this time with a stronger tone. "Mama is right here with you and _nothing_ can get to you here. I won't let. I promise you."

Sofia didn't answer. Instead, she pulled away from Arizona a little, letting go of the blonde's neck and sitting on her mother's belly with her head down, in the way she used to do every time she had something to say but just couldn't find the exact words or the correct way of uttering it. She played with her own hair for a few seconds while Arizona analyzed her face, noticing how the little brunette pursed her lips and let her eyes wander – the surgeon couldn't help but remember how Callie used to say that it was a habit of her own when she was trying to think or when she was attempting to avoid a situation.

"Will you and mommy be okay?" Sofia finally let the words come out of her mouth in such a low tone and in such speed that her mother almost couldn't hear it and, clearly scared of the answer Arizona was about to give her, clung to the surgeon's neck once again in a desperate way.

At the sound of the words that came out of Sofia's mouth, Arizona's heart felt like it had been smashed. Sofia's happiness had been the first thing on top of her priorities ever since the day her little princess had been born – she was so tiny, so unprotected and Arizona knew that no matter what she needed to make sure that her girl, _her baby,_ was happy and healthy and safe – and to know that somehow she was failing at keeping her daughter happy made her feel like the worst person in the whole world.

Arizona gasped, her concerned face turning into an agonizing expression as she tried to find concrete words in midst the confusion that her brain had become in the last second. She opened her mouth, raising her eyebrows and widening her eyes, and closed it in half a second. She didn't know what to say or do, she wanted to run away and hide somewhere no one would find her. She felt ashamed and painfully guilty.

She knew that the tension between Callie and she was having an effect on Sofia's behavior and on her feelings, but having her daughter ask her that question made her feel like an idiot. She hadn't asked what had happened, she hadn't asked if Callie and she were fighting, she hadn't asked if she was never going to live with Callie again. Instead, she had asked if they were going to be okay, showing not only a mature understanding of the situation, but explicit concern for her two mothers, the two people she loved the most in the world.

"Honey," Arizona managed to say without crying, as she held her daughter's shoulders and made the little girl look right inside her teary blue eyes. "Mommy and I have been...In a hard moment. We haven't exactly explained it to you, not completely, and I'm very sorry about that. W-we wanted to talk to you together, but ever since last week we haven't really talked to each other."

Sofia nodded, her eyes narrow and her lips pursed. She sighed, looking at Arizona and giving her mother a gentle smile of encouragement.

"Why don't you try to explain me?" she offered, moving her hands to the blonde's cheeks and cupping them.

Arizona smiled at the brunette sitting on top of her and grabbed her hands from her own cheeks and kissed them a couple of times in a loving way.

"Well," the surgeon began, fixing their position so that both of them would be sitting in order to follow the rather serious conversation she didn't expect to have at that time. "Do you remember that time you and Betty had that big fight about the responsibility project from school?"

"The doll project?" the little one asked, her eyes expressing curiosity and hesitance as she recalled the situation and tried to relate it to her mothers.

Arizona nodded in agreement, her eyes widening in response – another trait of hers that she recalled Callie addressing to their little girl: when any of them was explaining something or agreeing, their eyes would become wide as they nodded and smiled.

"That's right, my love" she answered, bending her head and analyzing her daughter's face as she took a strand in her fingers and placed it behind the little girl's ear. "You two had to take care of the doll, and Betty did something that really upset you, didn't she? She decided she was going to take care of the baby doll all by herself."

Sofia frowned and brought her hand to her chin, in a movement that reminded Arizona of Callie's reaction to an enigma.

"It did upset me, because it wasn't fair!" she cried, throwing her hands in the air and sighing heavily. "We had to take care of the doll _together_! It's supposed to make you responsible! And she wouldn't let me take the doll home twice a week like I was supposed to!"

Arizona smiled, her heart softening and aching at the same time as she realized that her daughter, who was just an innocent child, clearly understood how wrong it was what Callie had done by talking about dolls and responsibility but her ex wife hadn't even thought about it before jumping the gun.

"You are a very smart girl, little goose." she stated, giving her daughter a proud look and caressing her cheeks. "And you are right."

"I _love_ being right." Sofia responded, shrugging and wrinkling her nose as she smiled for a second. "But, mama, what does Betty have to do with you and mommy?"

"Well, do you know how Penny left for New York?" the blonde woman asked, feeling her breath becoming unsteady as she remembered all the drama that she had to put up with and all the crap Callie had put her through.

"Yes," she responded and nodded. "She didn't even say goodbye. That's rude, right, mama? You said I should always say hello and goodbye whenever I come and go, or I'd be rude and _no one wants to be rude._ "

She smiled again, her daughter making her forget the anger she had just awaken in her with her very polite statement.

"That is correct. You should always say hello and goodbye. _Always._ " Arizona confirmed, touching Sofia's nose with her index and wrinkling her own nose in an affectionate expression.

She then became serious again, taking her time to find the correct words to say what she was trying to explain to her baby girl. Telling her about it wasn't the hard part, but having to explain the dirty and disgusting thing that her other mother had done without making Callie sound horrible was terrifying and dangerous. She knew she couldn't ruin Calliope's image in front of Sofia, and she would never wish for their daughter to feel anything negative towards her ex wife, but she felt like it was just too soon to talk about it without even a pit of resentment in her tone.

"Well, your mother wanted to go with Penelope to New York. And she wanted to take you with them. She was very excited about it, she was even checking pretty _awesome_ schools and tiny 2 bedrooms apartments" she explained, guiding her eyes to the ceiling to not let the tears fall and to avoid eye contact with the very empathic little brunette on her lap. She took a deep breath and looked back at Sofia, with a reassuring smile on her face and a wide eyed gaze. "She just forgot to ask me if I was okay with it. If I was okay with you moving to New York with them."

Little Sofia frowned, her eyes revealing a confused mind and her lips pursing as she tried to understand and process her mother's words.

"But," she started, looking at Arizona with teary eyes. "You wouldn't come with us?"

Arizona shook her head in response, her heart aching as the tears fell from her daughter's eyes. She wanted to wrap her arms around her and keep her safe in her embrace, where it was all fine and nothing like that would ever get to her. Instead, she let Sofia absorb the words and the meaning they carried.

"But New York is very far, mama," she stated after a while, wiping away her own tears and stretching her arms so that Arizona could finally hold her. As soon as she felt her mother's arms around her, she clung in a deeply sad way. She breathed her mother in and let tears fall once again, this time without trying to control them. "Why would mommy want to take me away from you?"

The blonde woman gasped, the tears she had also been trying to control for so long finally falling from her ocean blue eyes as she held her baby girl tighter. She loved her so much, she loved her too much. There was no way she could ever picture a life without Sofia and the thought that she was making her daughter imagine life without one of her mothers made her instinctively run her fingers through the girl's hair and kiss her in the way she could with the little girl hiding while clinging to her neck.

She loved Sofia, and she knew her daughter loved her just as much. She could imagine what it was like for her baby to hear those things, not only because it made her sad but because it made her realized her other mother would've done something like that and that was just unacceptable for the innocent girl.

"I don't know, baby." Arizona answered between tears. "I am sure she didn't mean to actually take you away from me." she proceeded, her words sounding wrong and untrue to her ears and to her heart, trying to find a way to make Sofia not see Callie as a horrible person. "She is just very enthusiastic, you know. She jumps. She is _always_ ready to jump. She just didn't calculate everything before jumping this time. And that's okay. Mama is a little hurt, because I thought I could lose you and that couldn't happen because I would miss you every second, you are _my girl._ "

"So, mommy didn't mean to take me away from you?" she asked against her mother's neck.

Arizona breathed heavily, her eyes closing for a moment as she tried to confirm her daughter's theory.

She wanted to believe that. She wanted to believe that Callie hadn't exactly meant to take Sofia away from her, she wanted to believe that if Callie had won she wouldn't have followed the plan, she wanted to believe that all the hurtful words she had let her lawyer said were just a part of a big misunderstanding generated by confusion and desperateness. But, no matter how much she tried to believe, no matter how many times she convinced herself of those illusions, it still hurt, it still cut her open and it still left her exposed, because all of that could be true in a world where Callie felt absolutely nothing about her.

Callie being desperate and recurring to extreme and low methods wasn't completely unacceptable, Arizona had seen it before, but she'd never do it to someone she had the slightest sense of respect towards, she'd never do it to anyone she knows and considers. And the fact that maybe, in a hypothetical world, Calliope simply didn't care even one bit about her, killed her.

"No, baby, she didn't mean to take you away from mama, not really. She would never hurt you. She is a good mother, she is _your_ mother." Arizona stated as she tried to wipe away her own tears.

"You are my mother too," Sofia replied in a low tone, a more calm one, as she started to play with her mother's blonde hair again. "You are my mama."

Arizona repressed a sob as she remembered the words coming out of Callie's lawyer in court.

"Yes, I am your mama. And I am right here. And you, baby girl, are not going anywhere." she said, kissing Sofia's hair once again and nestling her in her arms like a baby.

Sofia stayed curled up in the soft embrace for almost an hour, both of them tired and thoughtful. Her eyes started to close at last, as she tried to fight the sleepiness. In a last moment of consciousness she rested her head against her mother's chest and whispered a tender _"I love you, mama"._

Callie could feel her heart pounding inside her head as she made her way through the NICU, her eyes looking for the one person she knew she would find there. The last time she and Arizona had seen each other hadn't been the finest moment of her life, and remembering the teary blue eyes and the painful expression her ex-wife was wearing that day reminded her of the awful guilt she felt inside. She didn't want to face Arizona, and she knew it was only a matter of time before she had to – not only to talk about the horrible thing that had happened and the undeniable consequences of it, but because they worked together and sooner or later the fetal surgeon would need her help -, but having her pager show a 911 from the blonde surgeon had made her want to run away the opposite direction.

It wasn't hard to spot the blonde strands falling on the fetal surgeon's back as she examined an impossibly tiny baby, and Callie could picture her face showing a gentle smile and her mouth emitting words of encouragement to the tiny human being treated as if he would understand every single word she was pronouncing and, even though the woman had her back turned to her, she could see it in her mind as perfectly as ever. The picture had made her want to smile - an instinctive act of affection that she couldn't always repress – but, instead, she took the few extra steps that were needed to get to the once sunny Arizona.

"What do we have here?" she asked after a few seconds staring at her ex-wife talking to the baby, completely scared of uttering any words.

Arizona froze when she heard Calliope's voice so close and so shaky. She had paged her, she had been the one to get Callie to stand right in front of her to the other side of the incubator, she had put both of them in that situation and, as much as she wanted to regret it, she simply couldn't do that to Sofia.

After spending the entire night awake and looking after their daughter, Arizona had decided that it was enough. She was hurt, she was deeply and profoundly harmed and she couldn't hide it, but the fact that it was also hurting Sofia was too much for her to cope with. She knew what she had to do and, even though she wanted to give up and even though it took almost half a day for her to finally do it, she put herself in front of Calliope for a real conversation. No more crying, no more avoiding each other, no more trying to hate her. She needed to do what was best for her baby girl.

She stuttered for a moment, trying to find the correct tone she had been practicing for hours. She didn't want to sound hurt, she didn't want to sound like she had been crying, she didn't want to sound authoritarian, she didn't want to sound submissive. Somehow she needed to sound friendly and she was having a hard time understanding how it could be so hard to find a friendly tone to use with Callie, considering all the years they had spent together and the time they had spent as genuine friends after the divorce.

"Me." she finally stated, trying her best to keep a neutral expression but failing to not raise one of her eyebrows – something she did when she was talking in a serious manner. "I need to _talk_ to you, Callie."

"Talk to me?" Calliope questioned, her expression turning into a rather bothered frown as tried to conceive that Arizona had paged her in an emergency code to talk to her about whatever matter. She simply couldn't believe her ex-wife would have the courage to interfere in her job to yell at her for all the horrible things Callie knew she deserved to be yelled at for. "You paged me 911, Arizona."

"Talk to me?" Calliope questioned, her expression turning into a rather bothered frown as tried to conceive that Arizona had paged her in an emergency code to talk to her about whatever matter. She simply couldn't believe her ex-wife would have the courage to interfere in her job to yell at her for all the horrible things Callie knew she deserved to be yelled at for. "You paged me _911_ , Arizona."

"I know. And I'm sorry, really, but this couldn't wait any longer." the blonde woman replied after a long sigh, shaking her head and using her hands to motion in an apologetic gesture.

Callie's face cleared as she realized that Arizona not only wasn't yelling, but she was apologizing and using a rather cordial tone in her quite gentle words. But, only half a second later, she frowned again at the realization that the woman's incomprehensible kindness could only mean something.

"Did anything happen to Sofia?" she asked in a desperate way, her heart beating faster as she tried to read into Arizona's suddenly reassuring expression – her mouth half open and her eyes wide as she shook her head in a frenetic way.

" _No! No!_ " Arizona responded in the same second, her instinct telling her to eliminate the space between her and Callie and to touch her ex-wife in a comforting way, letting her know that everything was okay. "Sofia is fine. She is fine. At least physically fine."

Callie sighed in relief, her hands instinctively moving to her face as she tried to calm her thoughts.

"Callie," Arizona kept on, her voice returning to the amicable tone she had been using. "I spent the entire night holding our daughter, in my bed, as she constantly woke up from nightmares. And then I held her even tighter for almost two hours when, in the middle of the night, she just couldn't wait anymore to know what was happening."

"So you told her?" she asked, her eyes fixed on the floor as she tried to hide the guilt and the shame she couldn't get rid of.

Arizona didn't answer for a moment. She took her time to analyze Callie's face – the way she had her eyes looking down, the way she clenched her jaw, the way she inflated her nostrils and shook her head slightly in an almost unnoticeable way. Arizona wanted to believe that was anger she was seeing, she wanted to believe Callie was angry at her for telling their little girl about their quarrel without her – or just telling her at all. But, somehow, all that the fetal surgeon could see was guilt. She couldn't believe that, she didn't want to because it would make everything just so much harder, but she couldn't deny knowing that expression so well, she couldn't deny knowing exactly what it meant. Calliope felt guilty about what had happened.

"I did." she managed to let the words out in what sounded like a whisper. "I told her."

The brunette nodded, her eyes closed and lips pursed. She knew Arizona had done the right thing, she knew she would have never been able to explain that to the little Sofia, she knew her ex-wife had been the one to do the thing both of them should have done together. However, all she could feel was pain and shame. Her daughter knew what she had done, her daughter knew what a monster she had played that day in court, her daughter knew she had tried to do the most horrible thing in the world when she attempted to take Sofia away from her other mother using extreme measures. Her daughter knew and she wondered if she would ever forgive her.

"Calliope," Arizona let the name she hadn't said in years come out of her lips as she watched Callie struggle with the tears. Both of them felt it, the electricity and the calmness that came with the blonde woman saying her full name once again in the warmhearted way only she could say it. "She doesn't hate you, she could never hate you."

Callie looked up, her eyes meeting Arizona's compassionate expression. She didn't deserve compassion, she didn't deserve amiability, she didn't deserve solidarity, she didn't deserve anything coming from Arizona and still the blonde woman standing in front of her looked like she wanted to hug her, to comfort her, to take care of her, and she simply couldn't cope with it, she felt dirty.

"Why are you reassuring me? Wasn't I horrible enough to you?" she questioned, shaking her head slightly as she tried to make sense of the situation and of Arizona's feelings towards her cruelty.

The fetal surgeon closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and swallowing hard. She didn't want to be there anymore, she didn't want to explain to Callie the reason behind her effortless compassion towards her, she didn't want to talk about court, or the horrible things she had to listen, or to Calliope saying she was this horrible monster Arizona had been trying to make out of her. She was trying, but she couldn't.

"Because," she answered, opening her eyes and fighting the tears from falling as she tried to control her voice tone. "Because I realized that we can't do this anymore. It is hurting her, Callie. We are responsible for her safety, for her health, for her happiness, and if we don't fix this we will compromise her well-being. I can't watch our daughter's dreams fall apart, I can't be the one to show her hostility towards her other mother, I can't be the one to destroy her idea of family. We are her family."

"I realized last night that you did hurt me, that you broke me with the things you said, I realized why I have been suffering so much ever since that day," Arizona kept on, her voice trembling and her eyes becoming wetter with tears. "But I also realized that at the end of the day you are the person who has given me the happiest thing in my life, you've given me Sofia. I realized you are someone who made dreams I didn't even know I had come true. I realized you were part of the happiest moments of my life, and also saddest. But most importantly, I realized I wanna remember you, I wanna _see_ you, as that person who's given me the most precious gift. I wanna see you as the woman who's given me my daughter."

Callie stood in silence for almost an entire minute, her expression containing a mixture of sadness, relief, comprehension, shame, astonishment and admiration. She had been a horrible to Arizona, she had said things and let other people say things that not only weren't true, but were extremely hurtful. And, somehow, it wasn't her that had taken the first step and apologized, it wasn't her that had proposed what Arizona was proposing, it wasn't her that had been noble. Somehow Arizona had been the one to take the stand, the one to be diplomatic, the one to be just, the one to advocate in Sofia's favor.

There used to be a time in which Arizona would bail in the face of difficulty, a time in which the blonde woman would pack up her things and leave to Africa, a time in which she would all of the excuses in the world to not compromise to anything. There was a time in which Arizona wouldn't be the one standing there being the better person, being the mature person proposing the healthiest way of dealing with a situation.

But there she was, staring at her in a way Callie thought she would never witness again, and the orthopedic surgeon simply had no words that could express just exactly what she felt.

"I propose we find friendliness again." Arizona followed her course of thought, nodding at her own words as if she was proud of the way they were coming out. "I propose we be happy, because Sofia needs happy mothers, she _deserves_ it. So I propose we find the kind of relationship we had before all of this happened, the kind of relationship that provided our daughter happiness and joy, because I respect you as her mother and I am thankful you put her in my life. And if not for me, and for believing I am Sofia's mother, do that for her, because she loves me and she _believes_ I am her mama."

"You are her mother, Arizona." Callie managed to say as soon as the fetal surgeon finished uttering her own words, not giving the blonde woman time to recover. "You are her mother and you will always be her mother. And I am deeply sorry if I let you believe I don't that you are her mama. Because you are. She can't sleep without calling you first, she can't feel at ease in a dance recital unless you are there giving her the smile she needs. You are the one she goes to when she is in trouble, you are the one she recorded saying that it's all okay so that she could listen in the middle of the night when you are in surgery and can't take her calls, you are the one she listens to when she is being stubborn. You are her mama. Not just in a piece of paper, but you are her mama in her heart, and in mine too. So, yes, I accept it. I accept the friendliness I thought I'd never have again. Thank you so much for giving me that chance."

"You're welcome." Arizona responded, her eyes fixed on Callie's dark ones for the first time since they first started to converse.

They didn't know exactly how to be friendly again, they didn't know how far they could go in friendliness or how to even start what they had just committed to do, but Callie gave her ex-wife a smile, an honest one, one of those she'd give her when she wasn't looking, when she caught her and Sofia playing and couldn't help but smile. And, in response, Arizona smiled too, the super magic smile that Callie knew so well and missed so dearly. It all had to be okay. Sofia needed them to be okay, so they were going to be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

" _What happened to perfect  
What happened to us  
We used to be worth it  
We never gave up  
It wasn't on purpose  
But it hurts like it was  
Nobody deserves this  
What happened to perfect"_

"What happened to us?" Callie let the words come out of her mouth in an inquisitive tone, her eyes staring at the almost naked dandelion Sofia had brought her some time before as her fingers absentmindedly played with the flower.

She had hesitated before making that question, she had told herself it was not the moment for that – if there would ever be a moment for that -, she had tried to convince herself that it was just an unfortunate idea to bring any unstable topic into discussion now that she and Arizona had just started to be fine again. However, watching little Sofia sleeping soundly on the grass after their picnic had made her feel somewhat nostalgic, homesick and undeniably lost.

It had felt good to be there, to have their little girl smiling and playing cheerfully, to watch as Arizona clumsily chased after the tiny brunette who insisted on hiding from her mother behind the trees, to hear their genuine laughter – the kind of laughter that could make anyone smile just by listening to that warm, cozy and homely sound. It had felt better than good and for that she couldn't help but wonder why and how she had let things get so out of control, how she could have almost ruined that for good.

She could feel Arizona's eyes on her as she looked up to the sky, her pupils meeting the bright sun that was so rarely seen in Seattle. She knew the blonde woman hadn't gotten over the custody battle, she knew that no matter how much Arizona smiled at her and tried to make jokes and be friendly whenever she was around she wasn't over it. She was hurting, and Callie could see that very clearly.

Callie finally let her eyes fall on the blonde figure sitting next to her on the dry glass – her golden strands were falling over her ocean blue eyes that were fixed in Calliope's face. Arizona's expression didn't change for almost a second as she adjusted to the question that had been thrown at her and the sore look on her ex-wife's face. She had somewhat of a frown, barely noticeable because of the sun touching her pale skin, and her mouth was half open in a way Callie knew well – in a way that said she didn't know exactly what to say or do, that said she was baffled and terrified.

After a brief moment, though, Arizona's facial expression consciously changed as she took a deep breath and tried to smile. Callie missed her smile most of all and for that reason, and for knowing every single way in which Arizona's lips moved to create a smile, she knew exactly how fake the smile her ex-wife was exhibiting was. The smile displayed on the blonde's lips was empty, lifeless, and void – her eyes looked dead even with the sun shining on them and showing just how blue they were. The smile Callie loved and missed was shiny, brilliant, reinvigorating and somewhat magical.

"What are you talking about?" Arizona finally replied, trying to make it sound like she didn't know exactly what the brunette had questioned her about.

She had raised an eyebrow, her face assuming a rather serious tone as she tried her best to not look directly at the brunette sitting near her.

" _Us_. I'm talking about _us_ , Arizona." the brunette replied in a painful tone as she shook her head to fight against the insistent urge to break down into tears. "How did we end up _here_? How is it that I put us in this position?"

"Callie..." Arizona tried to stop her from continuing, her voice starting to become shaky and her eyes instinctively closing as she tried to contain the amount of pain that was released at the sound of the brunette's words.

Arizona had been trying to let things go, she had been trying to feel comfortable around Callie again, and she had been working hard to make sure nothing interfered in their so wanted friendship. However, she couldn't help feeling exposed in that moment – she was completely naked around her ex-wife and there was nothing she could do to change that -, and she couldn't help but feeling betrayed by the woman's question – it had almost felt like there was a pinch of cruelty in questioning her about that when she was painfully aware of the answer.

She opened her mouth again as her eyes instinctively wandered the opposite direction of Callie's figure, in a nearly reflective way – her body was almost physically protecting her from the pain of looking at the woman she once loved more than anything.

"I think maybe I should go," she uttered the words slowly, nodding her head at the sound of her own voice as she tried to escape that situation she found herself in. "I-"

"Arizona, don't." Callie contested Arizona's clear decision to leave. "Don't leave. I just want to talk. I just want to understand how-"

"How things got so messed up?" the blonde figure shot back at Callie in a harsh manner, her blue eyes suddenly looking straight into the brown ones staring at her with a choleric flame.

She was enraged for a second, her facial expression assuming a perplexed tone that was almost accusative- she hadn't given Calliope any angry words until then, she had been the one to propose an agreement, she had been the one to sacrifice her own well-being for the sake of a sunk relationship, she had been nothing but gracious and what she had gotten back was pain, and upsetting questions such as the one the orthopedic surgeon had just pronounced.

"Here's how things got so messed up Callie:" she proceeded, lowering her voice as much as she could without losing the incensed tone she had and pointing a finger at her ex-wife for the first time since the trial. "you met someone! You got over me and you met someone! Which was fine! I mean,"

Arizona took a deep breath as she tried to regain composure and shook her head in complete disbelief – she just couldn't believe she was saying what she was, and she couldn't believe Callie was putting her in that position. She glanced at the brunette for a second, blinking a couple of times before taking another deep breath in order to continue her speech.

"You found someone. And you learned to love again." she resumed in a calmer tone. "And I was happy for you, Callie, I was. But you just figured, in your spoiled world where nothing is ever denied to freaking Calliope Torres, that you could replace your family. I was expendable in anyway, at least to you. Because, of course, I didn't give birth to Sofia so why not just give her a new mom and leave town without ever looking back?"

Callie stared at Arizona for a minute, unable to find any words of reply or to catch a breath. She had asked for it – she knew Arizona was on the edge and she still pushed her. Hearing those words had left her speechless, breathless, helpless, and she glanced at their beautiful daughter who was still soundly asleep despite the external conflict. She had caused this. She had ruined everything and she just couldn't quite understand how she had let herself do that – looking back at the past year she couldn't explain a single one of her actions and reactions. Having Arizona say she was spoiled wasn't news – she had heard that before, many times, in their old arguments that seemed to be so far in the past that she had to make an effort to fully recall – but actually recognizing she had been wrong and that she had no justification was something she didn't know how to deal with.

Arizona closed her eyes once again and shook her head as she released a baffled sigh, her hands moving to her face as she hid behind her palms for a moment, before she let her fingers tangle inside her blonde strands in a completely resigned motion.

"And you know what's worse?" the blonde inquired, her eyes looking up in an attempt to avoid the tears and her tongue going through her lips before she bit them. "The worst thing is that I _never_...I would have never done that to you. The worst thing is that I only ever wanted the best for you, and I loved...actually, I _love_ you. That's what's worse. I love you, Callie. I'm not particularly _in_ love with you, I'm not crying in the bathroom, I'm not depressed over our divorce. But I love you, because a love like that it doesn't just go away. At least that's what I thought."

Callie looked at her ex-wife with an undeniably shocked expression, her face assuming an inquisitive frown and her mouth being left open in complete perplexity.

"Arizona, I-" she tried to speak, the words coming out in a tone that was too low, too surprised, too clueless – just _not enough,_ Arizona thought.

"I let you go, Callie, I let you be _free_ , I let you be happy with whoever you think you wanna be happy with, but I always thought that there was some sort of...I don't _know_? Remaining love of some kind that was expressed in form of respect and... friendliness. We had a _good_ relationship. We respected each other. We used to." Arizona stated, a sadly ironic giggle coming out of her mouth as she contemplated the absurdity of her previous beliefs considering their current situation. "But then I realized that not only you don't love me _at all_ , but you do not respect me. I am _nothing_ to you."

Callie stared at Arizona for a moment, her mind spinning as she tried to process the meaning of every word her ex-wife had just uttered in a raging moment. She wanted to deny the fetal surgeon's affirmation, she wanted to say that she did respect her, that the woman did mean something to her, that she wasn't nothing – how could she ever be nothing? - but no words came out of her mouth as she realized she had no business saying anything. She wanted to explain everything and make things okay but she had no idea how to justify her own actions, how to explain that she did respect Arizona, but still she had acted like the blonde surgeon meant absolutely nothing to her when she had tried to publicly shame her in front of a judge. There was nothing to explain, there were no justifications, no excuses, nothing that was quite enough to clear things, to make them understandable.

Arizona was about to say something, about to break the silence to say some more, or to apologize for what she had said, even if she didn't have to – Callie knew her ex-wife well enough to understand that Arizona was reserved, and she needed to process her feelings alone, but when she let her feelings out she would explode in such way that was unforgettable, using sharp words that knew exactly where to cut; she also knew that, consequently, Arizona regretted exploding most of the time. However, both of them felt Sofia move between them, her expression assuming a painful look due to the bright sun touching her face.

The blonde mother moved first, her fingers instinctively touching the little girl's face in a gentle, but waking manner. Sofia almost immediately opened her eyes, her brown globes encountering a pair of blue eyes smiling at her, and yawned in a childlike way making Arizona curve her lips into a big smile – her baby girl was growing up, but somehow she could still see the sleepy baby they woke up every day to take to daycare whenever she observed Sofia waking up.

"Hey there, big girl." she said, her fingers stroking Sofia's hair as she spoke in a singsong voice. "You look like you've had a super good nap."

The kid smiled, her hands moving to her eyes as she rubbed them. Arizona took a quick glance at Callie, who was stroking Sofia's tiny arm with a pensive expression. Their eyes met again for a minimal second, and Arizona tried her best to look at Callie the same way she had been doing up until the moment the brunette asked her about them – the look she had been working on every day whenever they had to interact, a friendly look.

Arizona didn't want to be at odds with Callie. In fact, there was nothing more the fetal surgeon wanted than to be fine and in peace – she was tired, she didn't think she could argue anymore, she didn't think she had the power to fight anymore. - but it was also a fact that the orthopedic surgeon kept making it harder and harder for them to find a safe ground.

Callie stared back for some time, her eyes trying to speak for her as she gave the blonde woman an apologetic look, a resigned expression of someone who didn't know how to say sorry, but desperately wanting to.

"Mommy," Sofia called Callie and sat down to grab the brunette's chin. She then turned to Arizona and, with her free hand, grabbed the woman's chin as well. "Mamma. I love you."

The women smiled, both of them. Sofia was happy, they could see she had a lighter expression now, her words were once again childish and playful, and that made them happy, it meant that somehow, even with the situation they had just experienced, they were doing a better job now at keeping things sane and friendly around the little girl that needed them so much.

"And I," Callie finally let her voice come out of her mouth, stretching her arms and wrapping them around the little girl as she pulled her close. Sofia wrapped an arm around Callie's neck and laughed, never letting go of Arizona's touch. "I love you so much, little goose."

Sofia's eyes turned to Arizona's observing expression, her own face almost interrogating the blonde woman, as if asking if she wasn't going to respond to the declaration of love she had just uttered.

"I love you too, big girl." Arizona replied with a warm smile, guiding her index finger to the little girl's nose and touching it very gently. "I super duper love you."


	4. Chapter 4

" _I met you on the corner of the street  
I smiled before I even heard you speak  
I can accept we're growing older but I guess that's just the way it has to be  
I wondered how you still remembered me  
I heard you settled down and that you married happily  
Do you remember when I told you that I'd loved you to the bottom of the sea?"_

Arizona counted to ten one more time as she kept track of her respiratory rate. She could feel her head pounding, her hands trembling and the cold sweat on her face as she rocked back and forth in a fetal position – her arms grabbing her leg in a desperate way. She wanted to get up, she wanted to move, she wanted to take deep breaths and walk out of the on-call room. She could hear her pager beeping ceaselessly, but she didn't have the strength to even look at the object. She kept repeating that she was okay, that she was safe in the hospital she called home, that nothing had happened to her, but she could hear the screams just outside the closed door, she could hear the sirens that didn't usually make her nervous, she could hear the anxiety and the terror, and she just couldn't shut it all off.

There had been a plane crash, there had been kids involved, there had been pregnant women involved, and she wanted to – she needed to – get up and do whatever she could to help them, it was her job to do so. However, inside her head there were no pregnant women, there were no kids, there was just Mark crying, Meredith screaming, and unbearable pain – pain she couldn't help but scream about. She wasn't safe in her head, she was lonely and alone, and she was trying just so hard to just breathe.

She heard the door open, she could see the light coming inside the room, but she didn't turn to see who was entering, she couldn't take her eyes off the floor.

"Arizona," she heard the familiar masculine voice approaching her, the sound seeming to be more distant than it actually was, considering she could sense Alex's hands touching her arms. His concerned eyes appeared in front of her eyes as he grabbed her face, making her look at him. "Arizona, listen to me. Look at me."

Alex waited for her response, but he knew the glassy look in her expression, he knew that even though she could see him she couldn't answer, she couldn't move; he knew what a panic attack looked like, he had seen that happening more than once, and he couldn't help but feel a pinch of sadness while looking at his mentor in such state.

He sat down in front of her, touching her face in a firm, but gentle way, making sure there were no unpredictable movements that made her react in a negative way.

"Hey, it's okay." he stated, nodding at his own words and giving her a reassuring look. "You are safe. You'll be just fine."

Arizona managed to look at him for the first time, her bright blue eyes widened in a terrorized expression as she tried to catch a breath.

"Just focus on your breathing. Stay in the present." Alex continued to reassure her, his hands now slowly taking the blonde strands of hair from her face and placing them behind her ear. "You're in the hospital. In an on call room. It's Wednesday. There was a plane crash. You weren't in the plane. You are safe."

The blonde surgeon could hear his voice better, his words making more sense now than couple of minutes before – she could feel his hand on her cheeks and she could count her breaths better.

"I'm" she was able to mutter the word in a shaky way. "safe. I'm safe."

He nodded, a crooked smile appearing on his face.

"That's right. You are safe. You can get through this." he replied, getting closer to her and sitting by her side, his head pressed against the wall as he stared at his boss in silence, waiting for her to calm down.

Alex had been a constant in Arizona's life lately, and he knew that the proud surgeon didn't feel uneasy with him witnessing her worst moments because, after all, they were friends, but the fact that the once so perky woman he was extremely fond of was breaking in front of him once again not so long after the last time made him feel just sad. He had been there for everything, he had witnessed the car crash and he had been there for the plane crash, and he had been there after the trial, and somehow he couldn't help but feel compassionate towards the woman.

"Do you need me to go get April for you? She's in the hospital with Harriet, she can't resist a trauma. Even if she can't work on them." he stated in a playful way, his hand caressing her back in a calming way as she let her head fall on her knees in order to breathe.

"No!" Arizona rapidly responded, shaking her head nervously. "S-she is happy. She shouldn't have to put up with this. No."

"Okay," he replied. "Robbins, I'm right here."

Arizona turned to face him for the first time, her eyes this time focusing on him. She didn't look anything like the Arizona he had met so many years ago, the Arizona that used to skate at work and had such brightness in her eyes and in her presence that whenever she came in the room would just be a little happier. This Arizona looked tired, and a little lifeless. Alex knew her PTSD was wrecking her in that moment, but he also knew that ever since the trial there was something that had been lost in his mentor, a part of her that had just somehow vanished in front of his and everyone's eyes and, even though Callie was also one of his best friends he couldn't help but blame her for that.

"There is a 15 year-old in the ER." Arizona stated, closing her eyes for a second and trying to control the tears from falling because she knew that once they fell she wouldn't be able to control them. "She was in Trauma 1. They want to cut off her leg."

Alex looked at her with a desolate expression. He had seen the girl, he had talked to the girl, he had checked her scans, and being her doctor he knew he had to amputate the leg - it was the only thing to do.

"I'm sorry." he muttered, looking down to avoid eye contact.

"Did you page Callie?" she asked, taking a deep breath and wiping away the tears from her eyes as she leaned her back against the cool wall.

Karev looked at her with a confused expression, his brow furrowed as he tried to understand what Arizona was talking about to begin with. Surely he had talked to the orthopedic surgeon who had been working on the girl, but he was capable of performing an amputation by himself on a kid, and he didn't understand the need to call a world class surgeon such as Callie to do such job.

"Did she take a look?" she asked again, her eyes almost begging for an answer. "She- Maybe she can save it."

Alex opened his mouth to disagree, his medical opinion clearly went against what the blonde surgeon was asking him to do, but the blue eyes in front of him showed not only sadness but a pinch of hope.

"She works miracles every day. Just because she couldn't work a miracle on me it doesn't mean she can't do it for this young lady." Arizona affirmed as she took another deep breath.

Callie did work on miracles, and Arizona was quite aware of that when asking Alex to talk to her about the patient. She sighed though, almost laughing at the irony of the situation she was putting herself in. For a very long time, after the crash, Arizona had placed the blame for her leg being cut off on Callie, not because she didn't want the woman to have saved her life, not because she would rather have been dead than to lose the leg, but because somehow she had felt betrayed by the one person she trusted the most in the whole world, not only with her life. Callie worked miracles. Every single day Callie worked miracles, she was a world class orthopedic surgeon who made the impossible possible and, somehow, by a twist of fate, she hadn't been able to salvage her wife's leg from being amputated. And that, in a certain way, made Arizona feel betrayed for a very long time.

Now, however, that thought seemed so distant and unimportant that it was almost laughable. Her problems with Callie went so much further than the leg, and it had never really been about the leg after all. She trusted the fact that the woman had done the right thing, she wasn't miserable about it anymore, and she lived a normal life. She didn't need two legs. It made her want to ironically giggle, though, looking back to all the arguments and fights they had had about the leg when what they had been facing over the past weeks felt so much worse.

Arizona hadn't expected anything to hurt more than when she had woken up to find out Callie had cut it off, that Callie had betrayed her and cut her leg off, and she hadn't really thought about it until that moment, but she realized now that, that day in the trial she had felt more betrayed than ever. The pain, the betrayal, the horrible and unbearable feeling of loss. It all had been worse that day in the trial than ever before. And somehow she was still hurting for it, even if she didn't want to, even if she just wanted both of them to move forward and forget it.

"Can you please," Arizona asked one more time, her voice breaking a little. "just ask her opinion?"

Alex smiled at the blonde figure in front of her, nodding at her words and grabbing her hand to squeeze it tightly.

"Sure. Sure I can. I'll talk to her. We'll do our best." he affirmed, leaning for an improvised hug.

He fixed her hair behind her ear and placed a friendly kiss on her forehead.

"Thank you." she smiled back at him, her eyes still swollen. "Now, I need to get out of here. I need to work."

"No, you don't. I've got it covered. You should get out of the hospital, go get some fresh air and cuddle your girl." he reassured her, making it clear that she shouldn't be there. "Bailey won't let you work, anyways."

She nodded, her head telling her she should stay and work because there were people who needed her help and it was her duty to help them – she was raised to follow with her duties, to take them seriously -, but knowing she was in no mental state to treat anyone or to practice medicine in general.

* * *

Callie surely hadn't expected her day to end up where it had when she woke up that day. She had been determined to talk to Arizona for the first time since her ex-wife had lashed out on her the other day, she knew she had screwed up and especially she had been a horrible person by not saying anything, by not replying to the woman's words when she knew she should. Arizona had accused her of not loving her, of not caring about her at all and, even though it shouldn't sound so horribly wrong for Arizona to say that, she couldn't just agree with it. She wanted it to be so simple, she wanted it to be what Arizona thought it was, because then her actions would have been explainable, she would be able to explain why and how she had let things get so bad.

However, nothing seemed more wrong than that. Arizona couldn't possibly mean nothing to her, Callie knew that wasn't true, but then how on earth would she ever do what she did to he blonde woman? How could she put them in such position? How could she hurt them so badly?

Callie had spent the entire night trying to find some answers, not just to give Arizona but to give to herself, but when she had finally arrived at work she still had no idea what to say. That's why she had avoided running into her ex-wife once again, like she had been for the last couple of days, and that had worked well till the moment she heard of the plane crash, till she saw Arizona run into an on call room in a rather desperate way. She had wanted to follow the blonde woman inside the room, but she couldn't bring herself to do it, she didn't know how to be there for her in that way when she couldn't even stay in the same room with Arizona without screwing things up. She had looked at Alex, both of them having the same thought. He had entered the room, and that had made Callie feel somewhat relieved.

However, standing in the cemetery, she couldn't quite breathe properly looking back at the troubled day. Mark's place was the one place she visited when she wanted to think, when she needed to take a break from the outside world, from all the mess and insanity. The last couple of weeks had been the proper definition of chaos to her and she hadn't been able to just stop for a minute and go to her best friend's grave to just think for a second. Things had been starting to feel okay again, even with Arizona lashing out on her and telling her some pretty nasty things, and she could see her daughter was happier again, but her head was still completely shaken and she needed some time to just be - be alone, be quiet. She needed Mark, she needed her best friend, the father of her child, the one person she had always looked for when she needed to get things off her chest.

Notwithstanding, she couldn't help but notice a familiar silhouette as she approached his grave this time - the figure of the one person she would never expect to be standing in a graveyard, let alone in front of Mark Sloan's grave.

The blonde figure didn't seem to notice her at all as she tiptoed around the gravestone, and Callie couldn't help but wonder the reason behind the surgeon's unpredicted visit to that specific grave.

Callie hesitated before saying anything, her mind telling her to run off and never tell the woman she had ever seen her there, but she kept moving forwards in a slow and silent way, as if her feet just couldn't stop from moving in the blonde's direction.

"Arizona," she pronounced her ex-wife's name in a rather surprised tone – a tone she had tried to repress in order to not scare the woman away.

Callie could see the woman freezing at the sound of her husky voice, her body stiffening and her shoulders becoming rigid. She hadn't expected to meet her ex-wife there, she undoubtedly knew that Callie was a frequent visitor of Mark's grave, but she had personally checked the woman's schedule before leaving the hospital and it hadn't been that long since she had left, or at least it hadn't seemed like a long time in her head.

Arizona closed her eyes for a moment, her mind spinning as she tried to find a way out of a conversation she surely didn't want to have with her ex-wife. She had been trying, she truly had, and she had planned on approaching the brunette sometime in the day to apologize for lashing out on the woman the other day, but the circumstances of the day they had faced had kept her from having any interaction with the lady – she didn't want to give herself another reason to panic later in the evening when she was alone with Sofia. She wanted to talk to Callie, but not there, not in that moment, not about the brunette's dead best friend.

Callie raised an eyebrow at the woman who still had her back turned to her, in a sign of both worry and expectancy. Callie didn't know if she _should_ walk towards her, if she should walk away and pretend that had never happened, if she should ask if the woman was okay – after all, Arizona never visited graves -, she was still trying to figure out the boundaries, the structure of this possible relationship she didn't know even existed anymore.

The pediatric surgeon pondered for a minute, her eyes closed and her mouth agape. She wanted to run away, but instead she turned around to face Callie, who was somehow closer than Arizona had imagined her to be, her blue eyes fixing on the brunette's brown irises as a wave of humid wind hit her, making her blonde curls swirl in the cold Seattle air.

She looked beautiful. Her eyes were swollen, her make up was streaming down her pale cheeks, she looked like she had been crying for some time, but somehow Callie could still see the beauty behind the apparent mess - the fall of her hair on the contrasting black coat, the blue eyes that exhibited an amalgamation of sadness and brightness that gave the blonde such a special expression. She was beautiful, and that was undeniable, but in a funereal and gloomy way that didn't quite fit the vivacious woman Callie had once met. She knew the woman had reasons to be like that, she knew there had been a plane crash, she knew how much that affected her ex-wife and, as much as she wanted to ask her how she was, she didn't know if she had any right to do so, if it was even her place to do so.

"Callie," the blonde responded after staring at the woman in front of her some some seconds that felt like an eternity, her eyes moving to the grassy ground as she tried to avoid more eye contact and her hands instinctively getting inside her coat's pockets as she took a deep breath. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Callie answered in a way that made her sound too sharp for her intention, and she realized that as Arizona lifted her gaze in a rather aggrieved manner. "Sorry." she quickly apologized and threw her hands in the air right in front of her body, motioning that she hadn't meant to say it like that. "I mean, what are _you_ doing here?"

Arizona sighed, opening her mouth in a curious habit of hers that Callie still remembered so well - she would open her mouth as to speak something, then close it and shrug in a defeated way, in a sign that she simply couldn't find a proper explanation to put into words as she shook her head.

"I went home early. I was cleaning and," the blonde started explaining herself, narrowing her eyes as to come up with a reasonable elucidation to her presence in that place – even if nothing of it seemed tenable. "I found a picture of _us_."

"Of you and _me_?" Callie questioned in a high-pitched tone as she tried to conceive the relation between Arizona finding a picture of the former couple and the surgeon paying a visit to the graveyard.

They had been a happy couple for a long time, even when things were hard, and Arizona's perky personality combined with Callie's extroverted one had given them many spontaneous pictures that they still held onto for the beautiful memories they shared - or at least Callie thought it was something Arizona did too.

"No." Arizona shook her head in response.

Callie could see Arizona's struggle to share the reason behind her visiting Mark's grave, and she couldn't help but wonder why and how the woman could be so emotional about no one other than Mark Sloan. Seeing her hesitance, Callie contemplated if maybe she should stop questioning, but she perceived as Arizona nodded to herself and faced the brunette.

"Not of you and me, Callie." Arizona asserted in an explanatory tone, one she would wear whenever Sofia asked her about something quite hard to explain. She looked up for a second and took a deep breath. " _Mark_ and me. I found a picture of _me_ , with Mark."

Arizona pulled a picture from her pocket, a peculiar photo she had forgotten about after all those years. It was a beautiful picture, a genuine moment stolen by the camera that had caught them smiling at each other - an artless happy smile that appeared also in their gaze, their eyes meeting in an indubitably friendly manner.

The brunette's face became softer when Arizona timidly handed her the picture. She had taken the photo, she had captured that unique glance they only ever exhibited in the safety of their home – Arizona hardly ever looked at Mark with such loving friendliness at work, in front of people, but there were those moments at home, when they were just the four of them, in which she would just give in to the unbelievable easiness of their infrequent relationship.

"I _miss_ him." Callie tried to speak, her voice breaking as she tried to hold back the tears from falling.

She knew Arizona liked Mark, she even knew Arizona _loved_ Mark in her own way, just as he loved his so-called _"blondie"_ in his own way, she knew they had something, a connection, an understanding, something she liked and got used to. However, after his death, Callie had heard no words from her former wife about the man, she had heard her playfully saying she missed Mark to co parent, she had mentioned him the night of that horrible storm that ended in a dreadful way to make a point about how Callie wasn't part of the suffering, how Callie had lost nothing. Therefore, hearing those words come out of Arizona's mouth in such sincere and broken way made her heart just beat a little slower, as she let sadness rush into her own body - a sadness that wasn't even bad, a sadness that was just longing.

"I don't know _how_ to miss him." Arizona continued to speak, and at this point Callie wasn't so sure anymore if her ex-wife was even directing the words to her. Arizona's eyes were focused on the floor and she didn't seem to even notice Callie's tears falling down her tanned cheeks. "When Timmy died...I didn't get to say goodbye. I just _didn't_. He was dead. We got a flag. And I just didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Now, Mark? I _had_ that chance. I could have said goodbye. But I was so...angry? I was so absorbed by my own self pitying that I just didn't. I _could_ have said goodbye and I didn't."

"Arizona," Callie repeated the blonde's name in a more tender manner, her instinct telling her to eliminate any space between them and hug the woman who was standing in front of her pouring her heart out to someone who done her so much harm in the recent past. "It's not your fault."

And it wasn't. Callie knew it wasn't Arizona's fault. She understood now what the woman was going through back then, even if at the time she hadn't been able to express her comprehension of her former partner, and she was fully aware of the fact that it hadn't been intentional, that the woman hadn't simply decided to dismiss her feelings towards Mark's death. She had been hurting back then, she had been destroyed, she had felt hopeless, and lonely, and Callie could understand all that now.

"But it _is_ , Callie." she replied, her voice trembling and her breath becoming unsteady. "I told him I'd get him home...I told him I was waiting for him, that _we_ were waiting for him. And I didn't say goodbye!"

Arizona sobbed, the realization of how much she had screwed it up back then hitting her once again in a wave. She had improved, she was aware of that, she knew she wasn't that Arizona anymore. She wasn't the Arizona before the plane crash either, but she wasn't in a limbo anymore, she knew who she was, she had come to terms with her losses. However, the last couple of weeks had made her feel so uptight, so tense, and now that everything was falling back to its place, even if in a slow way, the plane had crashed, and she had found the picture, and everything was such a mess in her head.

"And here I am," Arizona proclaimed in between tears, motioning to the gravestone behind her. She couldn't even bring herself to care that she was breaking down in front of the one person she didn't want to break down to. "In a cemetery. Me. Because I just felt so lonely and guilty, and because I don't know how to miss him! I thought...maybe? Maybe this will make me feel better, maybe I can say goodbye. But he's not here! There is no Mark! There's a gravestone with some random picture of him and stupid four letters to describe him as a person! I am trying to talk to a gravestone that calls him "A loving friend and father"!"

Callie bent her head in a compassionate way, a hint of a smile showing on her lips as she finally decided to approach the blonde woman in front of her. She knew Arizona wasn't a strong believer, she didn't like cemeteries, she didn't really like the idea of burying people in general, and for that reason Callie knew Arizona wasn't just saying those words to hit her, she was trying, she just didn't understand.

She touched Arizona's arms first, both of her hands holding grip of them in such a way that made them stand face to face, closer. She offered the woman a gentle smile and nodded at her own thoughts with a saddened laughter.

"You're right." Callie divulged, looking into the sorrowful blue eyes. "Mark is not there. There is just a gravestone. But here's the thing about gravestones:"

Arizona furrowed her brow, completely confused with Callie's words but somehow feeling comforted by the way the woman was speaking to her. She had missed Callie, she had missed having her so close and she had missed them talking like this, about anything, about everything. She had missed it and even if she wasn't quite comfortable with it, knowing what she knew now, being aware of the fact that Callie had done what she had done, she felt somehow home.

"They're not made for the dead. They're made for the living. They're made for us to come to terms with our loss, for us to accept that these people buried are gone, but we still have their memories. We still have a part of them with us." Callie explained, smiling shyly and rubbing Arizona's arms with her hands in a sympathetic way. "You know, I don't come here to talk to him as if he was still alive. I come here when I realize that I need him and I can't talk to him. I come here to remember."

The blonde surgeon nodded, processing her former partner's words in her own pace. Callie proceeded to turn them around to face the gravestone, and walked towards it, guiding Arizona with her. She sat down in front of the headstone, looking up at the blonde and motioning for her to join her.

Arizona obeyed, managing to sit down in a clumsy way next to Callie. They were quiet for a moment, both of them processing their own thoughts, reminiscing.

"I should have been a good man in a storm. I promised I was going to take us home, and when we were home I...I wasn't what I was raised to be. I was raised to be tough, to be the calm in a storm, to be a freaking good man in a storm." Arizona finally broke the silence, and for the first time since she had started speaking Callie was sure her words weren't directed to her, she wasn't talking to Callie, she wasn't talking to herself, she was saying goodbye in her own way. "I am so sorry. I am so deeply sorry. We should have been fine, you shouldn't have died. But you did, and I didn't say goodbye. I am so sorry."

Callie stared at Arizona as she let the words out. She knew the blonde regretted not saying goodbye, but up until that moment she hadn't known it was that much, that such guilt really did consume her.

"Callie," she heard the woman's voice calling her name after some time, realizing she had spent too much time aloof.

"Yes," she responded, looking at Arizona's expression trying to understand the encrypted look she had assumed.

"That night," the blonde woman started, closing her eyes and swallowing hard. "That night of the storm, I said some...horrible things to you. Including that you hadn't..." she gasped as she tried to come up with the right words. "That you hadn't lost anything. But you did. You lost Mark and that's not nothing. It's not. And I just...I just wanted you to know that it's not nothing. And that...I'm sorry."

Callie tried to repress a sob, but eventually she gave up and let the tears fall as she realized what her ex-wife had just announced.

"Thank you." Callie answered, a grateful look on her face. "Thank you, Arizona."

"I just thought you should know." Arizona stated, nodding at the pleasant feeling that came with finally saying those words.

They became quiet for some more minutes, both of them staring at the smiling picture of Mark that was placed on the beautiful headstone Callie had chosen for her best friend.

"Arizona," Callie called her former wife's name, this time keeping her eyes on the gravestone, not looking at her, because even if she felt the need to say what she wanted to, she wasn't quite ready to say it while looking at the woman, because she couldn't explain herself just yet.

Arizona, instead, turned to face the brunette beside her, focusing on her expression as she tried to figure it out.

"Tell me," she answered, encouraging her ex-wife who looked scared of the words she was about to utter.

"I am _so_...so sorry." Callie finally said, closing her eyes as she waited for the blonde's response.

Callie didn't hear any words coming from the other woman but, after some seconds, she felt a hand on her shoulder and opened her eyes to find Arizona standing behind her, a hand on her shoulder and the other stretched in her direction, offering her help to get up. Callie let the woman help her stand up, standing in front of Arizona and watching the blonde surgeon give her a reassuring smile as she nodded to the brunette.

"Let's go." the fetal surgeon said, raising her eyebrows and smiling in a friendly way. "Let's go pick _our_ girl."

"Both of us?" Callie offered, not sure of what the answer would be.

" _Both of us._ " Arizona repeated her words slowly, making sure Callie understood exactly just how serious she was about it. "She'll love it. And, you should join us for dinner."

Callie smiled widely, and Arizona responded to the brunette's smile with one of her perky giggles. They felt good, they felt normal, like something had fallen back into its place, like they had some huge weight lifted from their shoulders. Somehow, they felt home.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! I look forward to hearing your opinion on this.**

 **A/N: Someone asked me if this is going to end with Calzona and the answer to that is yes, but I do not plan on shoving them back together anytime soon without any develpment. Our girls will find their way back, but they need to work a lot for that to happen. As to this moment, they are still getting used to being around each other as friends again, as two people that respect each other. A lot to come, but I am happy with how it's looking. Hopefully you guys are too! Thank you, and until next chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you so much for your kind reviews on the previous chapter, I am so very glad you guys liked it! I hope you guys enjoy this new chapter, I am deeply sorry it took me so long to finish it. Please let me know your thoughts!**

 _"And I guess we fell apart in the usual way.  
And the story's got dust on every page,  
But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now.  
And I see your face in every crowd.  
Cause darling, it was good never looking down.  
And right there where we stood was holy ground." _

Arizona felt a particularly calm and familiar sensation as she walked down the halls of the pediatric surgery ward with a couple charts in hand, she couldn't quite explain the reason behind her uncommon perception of the white walls around her. There was a time in which she would skate around those halls with a striking smile on her lips, a time in which everything seemed to be more colorful than it actually was to her curiously merry blue eyes. However, that time seemed to be in such a distant past, and the blonde surgeon was aware of how much she had changed over the years, how much she had toughened up, how things had lost some of their magic. She used to be someone who was always happy as she once stated, someone who woke up with a dimpled smile on her face, someone who had never lost the lightheartedness of an infant who believed in magic and goodness, and now her truthful smiles were mainly reserved to her own little girl and to very special moments of joy she came across in her life, now there was not much charm in the world around her.

Still, she couldn't help but feel a rush of the once familiar lightness as she observed people walking around, giving orders, receiving commands, some greeting her as they passed. That was safe, that was familiar, that was home. She had always loved working in the pediatric surgery ward and, even if over the past year she had been mostly focused on fetal surgery, she had the time of her life every time Karev had a day off and she was required in some case.

For some time after the plane crash, Arizona had wondered if she would ever fit into pediatrics again, she couldn't understand who she was anymore, she couldn't figure out how to be herself, and she had contemplated the fact that maybe she just wasn't good enough for the job anymore. Indeed, Arizona wasn't the same, she was a brand new person, but she knew now that no matter what version of herself was present, she would always fit into that ward – her ward – and pediatrics would always have a good portion of her heart.

As she approached the marble counter-tops in the middle of the floor to drop some revised charts and harvest her next patient's information, she couldn't help but smile in a rather proud manner. She knew who her next patient was and, for some time in the early morning when she arrived at the hospital, she had considered assigning that case to the other pediatric surgeon on call, she had contemplated the possibility of it being just too much for her to take but, looking from the distance into the room she was about to get inside, she couldn't be more sure of the fact that she was perfectly capable of dealing not only with that case, but with the subsequent feelings it would bring her.

She had asked Alex to get a consult from Callie the day before and, even though Callie hadn't mentioned anything to her over the quite lovely dinner they had had with their little girl over night, her friend hadn't hesitated in telling her the good news. Arizona's smile grew bigger as she watched Calliope showing something – probably some scans – on her laptop screen to an emotional mother who rapidly proceeded to hug the brunette. The orthopedic surgeon had found a way of saving the leg of the 15 years old teenager Arizona had seen at the ER after the plane crash, and that had made the woman feel delighted.

Arizona slid the patient's room door in a quiet and gentle way, making her way in with an amusingly guilty smile for being rather late for her rounds.

"Hey, there!" the pediatric surgeon greeted the ladies in the room as she walked towards Callie and stood by her side in front of the patient's bed. "I am so sorry, I am late."

She turned to Callie for a moment, who seemed to be quite surprised and rather nervous with Arizona's presence in the room. The orthopedic surgeon knew Alex had asked for a day off, he had texted her apologizing and explaining some other surgeon would be assigned for the case, but she hadn't expected her ex-wife to show up as the assistant surgeon in the case.

Callie loved working with Arizona in the OR, they always had fun and they were, indeed, a great surgical team, and she had been wondering when they'd go back to operating together and how that would go now that they were apparently starting to get along again. They had had a friendly moment the day before, and over dinner they had been so naturally comfortable around each other, and Callie could tell Arizona had felt the same unforced friendliness she had.

However, she hadn't expected for their first surgery together after everything to be no less than an attempt of saving the leg of a plane crash victim from being amputated. The brunette couldn't help but worry about Arizona working with her in the case, she wasn't sure if she should ask her ex-wife to assign another surgeon for fear of the woman believing she didn't think she was capable of handling the surgery, and she wasn't sure if Arizona would feel comfortable if she decided to assign the other orthopedic surgeon to the case.

"Dr. Robbins," Callie greeted her with a nod and a shy smile. "What do we owe you the pleasure?"

Arizona studied her ex-wife's face for a short second, realizing that she knew the woman too well for her own sake. Callie was uncomfortable, and Arizona could tell she was fighting an inner battle by the way the brunette started tapping her fingers on the laptop that she was holding in her arms, and by the way her voice trembled a little – in an almost imperceptible way – as she smiled and switched her gaze from the blonde surgeon to the patient rapidly.

"Dr. Karev is not here today, in the hospital." Arizona directed her words to the blonde teenager lying on the bed, deciding she would deal with Callie in a posterior moment and smiling widely at the girl and her mother before continuing. "I am going to be the pediatric surgeon to assist Dr. Torres in Ava's surgery today. And we will to fix you up pretty good, young lady."

The blonde surgeon noticed as the girl let her eyes sink on her figure, fixed on a specific part of the surgeon's body; Arizona let her own blue eyes fall on her unintentionally exposed prosthetic and rapidly fixed her scrubs in order to hide the titanium leg that was showing. She looked back at the girl with her mouth agape, an apologetic look appearing on her expression as she tried to find the proper words to reassure the teenager in front of her.

"Dr. Torres said she would save my leg." Ava spoke up before Arizona could say anything, her voice tone indicating almost an accusation. "Are we not saving the leg? Why is she here? Why did they send the crippled surgeon?"

Arizona felt her face burn in discomfort, her instinct telling her to run the opposite direction of the room and her head questioning her as to how she had put herself in this position, as to why she had assigned herself for the case when there was just so much hurt that could come out of it. She felt Callie's hand touch her shoulder in a reassuring way, her mind too busy to care about the unexpected and anticipated action. The touch made her feel a sudden rush of calmness, something she wasn't expecting to come from Calliope's hands simply touching her arm, and she took a deep breath before placing the smile on her face again.

"Ava!" the girl's mother yelled her name and gave her a reprehensible look as she grabbed the teenager's arm in a tight way in order to silence her. "That's no way of talking to anyone! It's disrespectful!"

"No, no, no." Arizona spoke up, releasing herself from Callie's touch and proceeding to sit on the bed next to the girl and looking at the mother in a way that said she shouldn't yell at her daughter. "It's okay. It _is_ a valid concern." she continued, now directing her words to the teenager who had a look of suspicion on her face. "I am here because Dr. Karev can't operate on you today, so I will help Dr. Torres here. I am not here to tell you anything about how life without a leg is. I don't have a leg, but I am not here because of that. I am here because it's my job to be, and I am _damn_ good at my job."

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Robbins," the mother spoke again. "Why can't doctor Karev be here, again? There's nothing wrong with you, you seem like a great surgeon, but we really trust him. He was great to us yesterday."

"Dr. Karev has some personal business to solve, so he took a day off." Callie explained, suddenly feeling bothered by the woman's words. She knew she didn't have any bad intentions, she knew she wasn't truly doubting Arizona's surgical abilities, but she couldn't help but feel offended for her ex-wife, who had a shy smile on her face as she tried to act as if the comment hadn't bothered her at all. "But you have nothing to worry about, that I can assure you. Everything Dr. Karev is, is due to Dr. Robbins. She was his teacher, his mentor, and he is one of the best surgeons in the country because of her. So,"

Arizona looked at Callie with thankfulness, her eyes meeting the brown globes of the brunette that gave her a tiny smile as a response.

"She doesn't have a leg, and that doesn't mean she is not one hell of a surgeon." Callie concluded her thought, raising an eyebrow at the woman and giving her a rather pissed off expression.

"Okay," Ava's mother nodded, her voice tone exhibiting the undeniable guilt she felt about her previous words. "We trust you."

"Thank you," Arizona said and smiled at mother and daughter as she got up and walked backwards towards the door, trying not to look like she was running away from the situation. "I will see you later this afternoon, Ava. I gotta go."

* * *

Arizona couldn't pay attention to the world around her as she exited the patient's room in a hurried manner, her ocean blue eyes open wide and her blonde strands swaying as she moved her head from one side to the other trying to find the closest on call room around her. She tried to catch a breath, her eyes focusing on the left corridor that she knew would lead to the room she used to sleep at whenever she had to do the night shift, and she attempted to look unaffected and casual as she walked as fast as she could towards the long corridor.

She wanted to hide, she wanted to lock herself inside the room, she wanted to cry until all the nervousness and shame were out of her system, but a strange and imposing feeling stopped her as she held the doorknob in a tight grip. Arizona's eyes laid on her pale hand - her fingers becoming red as her grip become stronger – and she took a long deep breath, letting the facts settle in her head. She had handled the situation gracefully; she had been able to control her urge to run away, she had faced both the mother and the child with politeness and comprehension, she had been able to smile and to do her job despite the absolute and irrational desire to flee. There was nothing to be afraid of, there was nothing to hide from. She allowed her eyes to wander the corridor, watching as nurses moved around assiduously while carrying a crash car; Arizona focused on the familiar sounds of the hospital – the beeps, the laughter of a kid just down the hall as he walked out of the room with his parents after being discharged – and released the tightness of her grip, letting her hand relax. She was in a safe place, a familiar place, and she was going to help Callie save a girl's life. She was fine and there was nothing to run away from.

She allowed her eyes to wander the corridor, watching as nurses moved around assiduously while carrying a crash car; Arizona focused on the familiar sounds of the hospital - the beeps, the laughter of a kid just down the hall as he walked out of the room with his parents after being discharged - and released the tightness of her grip, letting her hand relax. She was in a safe place, a familiar place, and she was going to help Callie save a girl's life. She was fine and there was nothing to run away from.

The blonde woman took another deep breath and smiled shyly at herself, giving her own self a mental nod in approval and pride. She then finally opened the door, realizing she had spent too much time staring at the object to not enter the room without looking like a complete lunatic. She closed the door behind her, letting her head fall back and hit the hard door in a gentle way.

Arizona couldn't help but spot the familiar eyes looking at her with no apparent sentiment. She couldn't tell if he was seeing her or not, but she was sure his eyes were falling on her figure, even though it looked like he was in a completely alternative universe. Alex was lying on the lower bed of the room, wearing a pair of shabby jeans and a black hoodie that in nothing reminded the Dr. Karev that was known in the hospital as one of the most renowned pediatric surgeons of the country. The fetal surgeon furrowed her brow and narrowed her eyes, attempting to see better through the dark room in order to catch her friend's expression.

Through the pitch black room she caught a resigned expression, a face of someone who looked like he hadn't slept in days. She became worried as she realized he was, indeed, looking at her but no words were being said; there had been no sarcastic comment, no playful joke, nothing. Alex was in silence, and that was something to be concerned for.

"What are you doing here?" Arizona asked after a few seconds, stretching her neck in order to see him better. "I thought you'd asked for a day off?"

She received a shrug in response, his shoulders moving slowly and carelessly and his face assuming a vacant expression.

Arizona raised an eyebrow, an expression of suspicion taking over her pale face.

"Alex, I am talking to you. Wh-what are you doing here? You asked me for a day off. You sure as hell know what a day off means." she attempted a perky tone and a waggish giggle.

Arizona waited for him to answer for a second, her eyes widening and her lips pursing into a smile as she tried to impose an approachable look when she realized he was trying to ignore her words. Alex looked at her with a rather stoical expression, his mouth opening as if to say something but closing in the next second as he gave her another shrug.

The blonde surgeon rolled her eyes, turning around to face the door and once again touching the doorknob, with the intention of leaving the room due to the unfriendly moment she had caught Alex in. However, she turned to face him again and clumsily made her way to the improvised bed. She sat by his side on the mattress, giving him a softhearted look.

"Dude," she called him playfully, intending to keep the easy tone but failing to not let out the worry in her voice. "Talk to me. What's wrong? Why are you here?"

"Because I have nowhere else to go," he stated and let out a long sigh, deviating from her gaze as well as he could with her sitting so close.

Arizona's heart sunk as his words were processed by her own mind. He looked sad, and rather resigned, and she couldn't help but open her mouth and shake her head slightly in a failed attempt to say something.

She knew he had been somewhat living with Meredith over the past weeks, she knew he and Jo were in a delicate place in their relationship, and she knew just how much he loved the girl who had refused his marriage proposal more than once.

Instead of uttering any words, she insecurely placed her hand on his knee and offered him a tentative smile.

"I asked for a day off because I needed to harvest the rest of my stuff from the apartment." Alex confessed, closing his eyes in a clear sign of pain and shaking his head in complete acquiescence. "Then I had nowhere else to go...So I came here."

Arizona stared at him for a moment, realizing just how hurt he looked and smelling the unequivocal scent of alcohol that filled the room as he spoke. If it had been any other moment, she wouldn't have hesitated in slapping his arm and giving him a speech for being inebriated in the hospital environment, but the look on his face suggested complete awareness of the inappropriateness of his behavior, and the fact that he didn't seem to be able to care worried her even more.

Alex had been a person whose morals were questionable in the past, someone with uncontrolled anger issues and inappropriate behavior. He had grown over the years, he had become more mature, and she was proud of the brilliant surgeon and amazing person he had become, and the fact that he was lying in an on call room bed after having drunk more than recommended made her feel concerned. She loved him, he was like a little brother to her, and she felt the need to protect him.

"Oh, Alex" she muttered, giving him her compassionate look and containing herself to not hug him, because she knew any kind of emotional connection would scare him away in that moment. "What do you need? How can I help you?"

He looked at her for a moment, his dark green eyes looking into her blue ones trying to find an answer for her question.

"Do you ever," he began, struggling with his own thoughts as he managed to let the words out. "Did you ever miss Callie after you split up? I mean," he started to adjust his words when he sensed Arizona's hesitation towards his question. "After you split up...Did you feel an urge to approach her and say that you wanted her back? An urge to just succumb and say that you needed her?"

Arizona stared at the distance for a while, her eyes fixed on some unimportant object lying on the floor, as her mind flew towards that particular time in her life that her friend had brought up. Splitting up was never her idea, and she remembered just how devastating it had been to learn that the person she loved the most in the whole world felt suffocated around her and wanted nothing more than to leave her. She had been hostile at first, and thinking about the angry denial she had felt back then made her sense the feeling as if it had happened just a second ago, but as time passed and Arizona realized that Callie really wanted to quit, that Callie really needed to quit, she let go, she decided that she would let her wife be happy the way she wanted to be.

However, the question that Alex had directed at her took her back to the lonely nights, the empty bed, the feeling of despair that had taken over her back in the day. She had missed Callie, she had longed for Callie, she had wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her that she loved her, to tell her that she needed her – and that she would be the only thing she would ever need.

"Yes," she confessed in a subdued tone, looking down and closing her eyes for a moment as she sighed.

"So," Alex proceeded, his voice becoming lower and dejected. "Does it ever go away?"

Arizona raised her glance at him in a rather dumbfounded manner, her mouth open and her eyes widened.

The blonde surgeon had always been someone who never got attached before she met Calliope, she was carefree, she never thought someone else was worth the trouble. Remembering the days of womanizing and flirting with no real intention made her realize, even now, just how much Callie had changed everything she knew, everything she thought she wanted, everything about her. Arizona had never wanted a relationship, not a serious relationship, and she had always been somewhat self centered, she knew what she wanted and what she didn't want, and she wouldn't ever give up herself and her needs for someone else. Callie, however, had turned her world upside down, invading every part of her and consuming every bit of her soul without caution; she had taken it all.

She remembered seeing Callie for the first time and kissing her for the first time, she remembered how her lips had felt like, she remembered the undeniable attraction, the exhilarating feeling of something promising, the mind-blowing fear combined with excitement that came with the realization that the woman she had chosen could absolutely bring her life to the ground. They had had a breathtakingly beautiful love story, they had loved, they had fought, they had tried, but in the end they had failed and, as much as Arizona blamed herself for that, she couldn't help but hate Callie in the beginning for the simple fact that she had made Arizona love her.

Callie had come into her life, she had made her love her, she had made her change her conception on so many things, she had made her want her, she had made her need her, she had made her depend on her on a physical and emotional level, and then she had given up, she had left, and she had made her miss her.

Missing Callie had always been the worst part, the hardest part, the thing that made her body physically hurt by the end of an exhausting day, and even though the feeling had eased with time, she couldn't deny the fact that it had never completely gone away. She wasn't in love with Callie anymore, not in the way she had been once, she wasn't lost anymore, she had found a good place in her life. But sometimes, no matter how hard she fought, she would just get home to an empty place whenever Sofia wasn't there and her uncommon roommate was working late, and an overwhelming wave of sadness and vacuity would reach her. In those days, she just felt like going back to that moment of her life when they were together, when she had someone to hold her and love her, when she had everything she never even thought she wanted, when life wasn't so lonely and loveless.

Arizona's expression grew darker as she stared at her friend. She knew what Alex was feeling, she knew how lonely he felt and how much he was suffering, and even though she wasn't sure why he and Wilson were in that place or even how they had gotten there, she knew exactly what he needed to hear. She just knew that he needed something to hold on to.

"Yes," she lied, attempting to smile in a benevolent way. "Yes, it does."

They sat silently for some minutes, Arizona couldn't quite look at him in the face after having told him the biggest lie she could think of just to make him feel better. She knew he hadn't completely bought it, for the simple fact that the way he felt didn't seem to have an end, but she was aware of the fact that he was trying as hard as he could to find some truth in her words, something that could get him to keep going.

"Arizona," she heard her own name in the broken voice of her friend as he struggled to say the name of his dear friend while trying to say the particular sentence he had in mind. "I am in trouble, Arizona, and I need help."

Arizona turned her head to face him in the second she heard the familiar words come out of his mouth, recognizing them and taking her back to the moment she had uttered them herself. _"When something like this happens, you call me, and you say, "Arizona, I'm in trouble, and I need help." And I help you. Do you understand?"_.

Alex had always been someone she cared for, since the day she had first met him. She had always seen herself in him, in his rather vicious temper, in his undeniable tendency to care too much, in his way of doing the wrong thing when trying to do the exact opposite, in his horrible timing when it came to love. She had always seen him as her own little brother, as someone she loved and had to take care of no matter what, and he had grown up to be an incredible man and an amazing surgeon and she was more than proud of the person he had become. She cared about him and seeing him so tense, so sad, so defenseless, made her want to physically protect him from the cruelty of life. She had been there, she had felt hopeless, she had lost love and she had felt like she would never be okay, and for that reason she just couldn't help but feel pain for him, because she didn't want that kind of feeling for him.

"So I help you." she announced, nodding as she gave him her best smile. " _How_ can I help you?"

He looked at her for a second, pondering whether he should or shouldn't talk to her about what he needed.

"Do you happen to have a spare room in your house?" he blurted out after a moment, speaking in a rather fast and timid manner and trying to avoid her ocean blue eyes that stared at him in a stupefied way.

"Wait, wait, wait." Arizona articulated as she put both of her hands before her body motioning for him to let her understand his words. She confusedly stared at him, trying to say something. "What?"

"Look, you're the one who said you'd help." Alex answered her defensively, furrowing his brow and looking rather ashamed. "Look, never mind. I-I'll deal with it."

"No, no, Alex!" she shouted when he started to get up and leave the improvised bed in an irritated way. "Alex, I didn't say no."

"You didn't say yes either," he stated, looking at her for a moment before looking down at the floor.

Arizona tilted her head to her right, giving him a look of disapprobation. Alex had always been impulsive and he had always feared rejection, Arizona was aware of his anger issues and his need for reassurance. Alex almost never asked for anything, for the simple fact he feared the possibility of being rejected somehow, and even though she didn't know exactly what was happening between Jo and Alex, she knew one of the reasons why he was even asking her that was the fact that she had rejected his marriage proposal.

"Alex," she pronounced his name in a reassuring tone, touching his arm and making him sit down again and listen to her. "Of course I can find a place for you at my place, that's not the issue here."

Alex looked at her with a confused expression, but waited for her to give a sequence to her words.

"I don't have a spare room, but you can always stay in the attic. And, Alex," she proceeded to explain her thoughts. "I would be happy to have you as my roommate. You helped me once, you took me into your own house when I had no place to call home. I am just wondering why. I thought you were staying at Meredith's. Did anything happen?"

"No," he started to speak, sighing and shaking his head in a resigned way. "Nothing happened. Mer is great, she is great. I just...We lived there. It was our place before we moved. She is everywhere I look, and I can't handle thinking about her every time I go to the kitchen in the middle of the night because I'm thirsty. I can't stay at Mer's because that house makes me miss Jo."

Arizona nodded, her own hand searching for his in order to give him some physical support. She understood what he needed, she understood why he needed to get away from the memories, from the past.

"So you'll stay with me." she proclaimed, giving him a comforting look. "We'll fix you a room in the attic and you can live there for as long as you want and as long as you need, okay?"

"Okay," he consented, letting out a despondent sigh. "Thank you."

The blonde surgeon proceeded to wrap her arms around her friends neck in a clumsy way, fighting his instinctive rejection and offering him a warm embrace, like the ones he had given her many times in the last couple of weeks. After a second he stopped fighting against the physical touch and wrapped his own arms around his friend, letting himself feel safe and comforted for a minute.

* * *

Arizona couldn't help but smile as she walked down the entrance hall of Grey Sloan Memorial in the late evening. She could see the small brunette sitting in the waiting room holding her favorite stuffed animal and wobbling her feet in the air with a serene look on her face. Sofia was used to the hospital environment and it was more than usual for her to sit there in the large chairs with her toys while waiting for one of her mothers to pick her up and take her home, and it was undeniable that she absolutely loved the place and felt completely at ease in the rather chaotic ambiance.

The blonde surgeon approached the chair silently, finding herself standing behind her lovely daughter and bowing while she covered the little girl's eyes with her pale hands, hearing as the adorable brunette let out a delightful giggle. Arizona simply adored her daughter's laughter, and that sound made her feel fulfilled, like the luckiest woman to ever exist, and she couldn't help but giggle herself as she uncovered Sofia's eyes and put her face beside her so she could see her smiley mother.

It wasn't Arizona's day to be with her little girl, and she knew Callie had been talking to Ava's mother about the successful surgery they had performed, in which they were able not only to save the girl's life but also to keep her limb intact. Callie had always been extremely attentive with her patients, and even though she was born to be an orthopedic surgeon she still had an undeniable connection with children that had always amazed Arizona.

Arizona was a pediatric surgeon, and no one could ever deny she was made for that job when they watched her perky personality deal with her tiny humans in the most experienced way. She was vivacious, she was entertaining, she was able to enter the magic world of children and make them feel at ease, make them feel understood. Callie, however, was not naturally bubbly and animated, she had a kind of entertaining personality that matched with adult humor, which made her extremely likeable for anyone their age, but that didn't exactly qualify her as someone who belonged to the children universe. Still, her absolute adoration for children and anything related to their universe made her excel whenever she had to work with infants with orthopedic problems.

Ava's surgery hadn't been any different and, even though it had been tough and they had to be inside the OR for hours in a row, she had been able to keep their promise of not only saving her life but also keeping her leg where it belonged, and Arizona had proudly witnessed the beautiful moment in which they had told the mother and the teenager about the successful outcome of the operation. However, Arizona had been exhausted and had decided to go home to get some rest for she had a major surgery in the maternal-fetal area the following day and needed a good night's sleep, and she had left Callie talking to the patient about the next steps in her recovery.

Arizona felt proud, she was irrefutably happy with the outcome, and she couldn't help but feel content with the fact that she had been in an OR with Callie for long hours and everything had felt normal and easy. They had worked together through the entire procedure and had been particularly awesome as a decision-making team, and that made her feel relieved. Being friends with Callie after they had split up had been easier than now, but ultimately she was feeling comfortable around the brunette again and the surgery they had effectively performed together was proof of that.

"Hey there, big girl!" Arizona greeted her own daughter with a giant smile on her face and proceeded to kiss her cheek a few times as the little girl let out soft giggles. "Come here," she said as she stretched her arms to Sofia and picked her up from the chair, making her comfortable in her own arms before sitting down with the little girl on her lap. "How are you today, princess? I miss you so much!"

Sofia smiled at her mother and wrapped her arms around Arizona's neck in a playful way, letting her mother place countless affectionate kisses on both of her cheeks and tickle her belly in order to make her laugh.

The two of them had always been extremely loving towards each other, and Sofia simply adored having her mother kiss her and play with her in a tender way as the little girl told her all about her long day of playing with her friends and learning her favorite subjects at school. Arizona loved those precious moments as well, and she would laugh and smile through all of their interesting conversations, even though it pained her to know that she couldn't have those instants with her daughter every day. The blonde woman was used to their routine, and she had learned how to make the best of her moments with Sofia, she had learned how to make every single minute with her baby count, but whenever she had those precious moments outside their routine like when she found the little girl waiting for Callie or when her ex-wife needed her to pick Sofia up and take her home because the orthopedic surgeon was stuck in surgery, she couldn't help but feel pain for the fact that even though she did her best she still missed entire days of her daughter's life.

In those moments Arizona couldn't help but remember how it had felt like when they all lived together, when she could see her daughter every day, when she would wake up to the sound of her ex-wife and Sofia laughing so hard in the kitchen while preparing a traditional breakfast, when she could see every little achievement of their baby, like when Sofia fist started to crawl around the house or when she first stood up by herself. Arizona remembered and that hurt, because now she had to settle for hoping she wouldn't miss anything important in her baby's life, she had to settle for hearing about the things she had missed through Callie's words and pretend that didn't affect her.

However, Arizona still enjoyed those little extra moments they had like her life depended on that, and she would do nothing but spoil her little girl with kisses and tight hugs and interested questions on her day and feelings.

"I am okay, mama!" Sofia declared between laughter as she tried to get away from her mother's tickles. "I am waiting for mommy to pick me up. She told nurse Jackie to look after me because she is talking to a patient."

"That's right, baby." Arizona nodded with a wide smile and touched Sofia's nose with her index finger in a loving way. "But if you don't mind, mama is gonna keep you company till mommy gets here. Because I just miss you so much and I wanna hear all about your super awesome adventures today! I hear your school visited the children's museum today."

"Yes! We built a fort! It was super fun!" Sofia proceeded to tell her mother about her visit, causing Arizona to giggle at the sound of the choice of words that led her to use her mother's signature 'super' to intensify her words. "We also went to the eye clinic. Do we have an eye clinic at Grey Sloan, mama? I think I wanna be an _ophthalmologist._ "

Arizona threw her head back against the chair's backrest and laughed at her daughter's realization.

"An ophthalmologist?" she asked in playful disbelief. "What about a surgeon like mama? No?"

"Mmh," Sofia led her hand to her chin, holding it in an adorably pensive manner. "What about an ophthalmologist surgeon?"

Arizona furrowed her brow for a second, playfully looking at the little girl with a thoughtful face.

"We'll talk about that again before you go to Med. School, honey." she stated, letting out a soft laughter and pulling her daughter closer to squeeze her in her embrace.

She started to caress Sofia's back gently, occasionally placing gentle kisses on the tiny hand she was holding with her own and breathing her daughter's unmistakable scent in. They stayed like that for some minutes, and Arizona noticed as her daughter's breaths became steady and profound and the weight was completely released on her when Sofia fell asleep in her arms, with her face hidden in her mother's neck.

It wasn't a long time after that, that Callie appeared. Arizona spotted her walking towards the waiting room looking for the tiny person she had to take home, and she couldn't help but cling to the little girl in her arms, convinced she would be completely unable to let her go. However, she carefully raised her hand and waved at Callie in order to let her know where they were.

"Hey," Callie approached them silently and bowed to check on Sofia without touching any of the girls sitting clung to each other in order to not wake the little girl up. "Aw, poor thing, I made her wait for too long."

"That's okay, she literally just fell asleep." Arizona reassured her and tried to move in the chair to give Sofia to the brunette who was now sitting beside her, only to be stopped by their daughter's protests in form of annoyed whines.

"I think she is not happy about being ripped from her comfortable position," Callie joked and laughed, looking at the little brunette lovingly and leading her hand to her back in order to fix her shirt that was letting her back show. She then turned her gaze to the blonde woman holding their little girl with a wide smile. "You were amazing in the OR today, we did a _really_ good job."

"Oh, please," Arizona rolled her eyes and shook her head softly, being careful not to wake Sofia. "I don't deserve the credits, _you_ were amazing! You rocked that surgery."

"No, really," the brunette refuted sincerely, her voice tone becoming rather amicable. "I couldn't have done it without you. You did good! It was a _good_ day."

Arizona remained silent for a moment, thinking about the events of the day and letting herself feel a little proud of how she had handled things not only with the patient and in surgery but also with her friend. She had been a good doctor, she had been a great surgeon, and she had been a kind friend, she had gotten the chance to hold her daughter for some time, and that constituted a good day.

She had had a good day, and she didn't have to convince herself of that in order to not feel sad, she didn't have to talk herself into believing that statement, it was just the truth. She knew that she would soon have to hand her daughter to her ex-wife, and she was aware of the fact that she would get home to an empty house, and that she would possibly feel lonely and reminisce about the days in which things were different, easier, but she still had had a good day, and she was proud of herself for being able to recognize that.

"It was a good day," she repeated her ex-wife's words to herself, and then looked back at Callie with a friendly smile. "Thank you, for doing what you did for that girl."

"Thank you for helping me make it possible." Callie replied to Arizona's words with honesty in her voice and in her eyes. "It was good having you in the OR with me again, really good. I had fun."

"I did too, it was indeed very nice." Arizona stated, moving again and proceeding to stand up with Sofia clinging to her neck. "Now, you should take this little goose home. She has tons of things to tell you about her school tour, including the realization that she might want to be an ophthalmologist."

Callie frowned at the statement, giving Arizona a horrified look and a nervous little laughter. "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." she declared jokingly as she stretched her arms and let Arizona place their little girl in her embrace. "She will be a brilliant little surgeon."

"Of course she will," the blonde woman replied, smiling at her own words as she imagined her daughter as a young surgeon in the future. She tilted her head and stared at the tiny brunette with a loving smile on her face, and proceeded to place a small kiss on her hand that happened to be falling on Callie's arms. "I love you, big girl."

"I'll see you tomorrow?" Callie questioned her, making Sofia comfortable in her arms and picking her daughter's school bag from the chair next to them.

"Sure," Arizona said, her smile fading slightly as the time to actually say goodbye to Sofia arrived. "I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night and" her voice became lower as she looked down at the floor for a second. "tell her I said I loved her."

"Will do," the brunette promised. "Goodnight, Arizona."

"Goodnight." Arizona said in an almost inaudible way as she watched Calliope walk out the hospital with their daughter.

Arizona closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath and sighing before opening them again to look around the entrance hall. She spotted the familiar face she had in mind sitting outside under the dark sky and walked towards him, stopping in front of the bench for a second and looking at Alex with a cryptic expression.

Alex looked back at her, furrowing his brow as he tried to decipher her expression and read into her look.

"It doesn't," she declared as she sat down next to him and released a defeated sigh, resting her head on the hard material of the bench and leading her gaze to his confused stare. "I told you it gets better. But it doesn't."

Her best friend looked at her with his mouth agape for a second, trying to process the words she had uttered ruthlessly. He could see her struggle, he could see she was trying to keep it together in front of him, that she was simply trying to be a good friend in spite of her own problems and sorrows.

"Care to develop?" he asked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close to him in a friendly way.

Arizona let her head rest on his shoulder, taking a deep breath and staring into the nearly empty parking lot in front of them.

"I had a good day," she started, biting her lower lip and shaking her head. "I had a _really_ good day," she corrected. "I performed a perfect splenectomy on Tommy, your patient, I handled the Ava situation with grace and I helped Callie save her life and her leg. I watched her work a miracle there, and I helped her. And then I got to hold my daughter and hear all about her day. It was a _good_ day!"

She remained silent for a minute, replaying every minute of her day in her head and trying to find exactly a good enough reason for her to feel so good and so bad at the same time. She was happy, she was fine, she was in a good place in her life, but she was still lonely, and she wasn't sure she wanted to go home.

"And then I had to hand Sofia over to Callie," Arizona concluded her detailed report of her own day. "And I stood there watching Callie leave with my sweet little girl in her arms and I missed...us. I missed our life, I missed going home together and putting our girl in bed. So," she swallowed hard before continuing. "It doesn't pass, Alex, it doesn't go away. It gets easier...But it doesn't go away. Because even after all these years and all the things she put me through recently, I still stand in front of her sometimes and I just wanna say ' _I miss you_ '. It doesn't go away."

"You still love her," Alex affirmed, his statement sounding more like a question than anything to her.

Arizona let out an ironic laughter and sat back up, looking at her friend with a resigned expression.

"I can't imagine a life in which I won't love her, Alex." she finally said, in a low tone, almost inaudible, more to herself than to her friend. "That was it for me. She ruined me for any other relationship, because nothing can measure up to what we had."

"Stay with me tonight," he asked her, giving her a compassionate look. "Stay here, let's go over some cool cases and have some fun."

"I have a laser twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome surgery tomorrow," she offered, knowing her friend would be interested in the case even if he wasn't specialized in fetal surgery.

"Perfect," he declared, getting up and stretching his arm in her direction, motioning for her to hold his hand in order to get up. "You can talk me through it. I have booze."

Arizona let him help her get up and held onto his arm as they walked back inside the hospital together, both of them aware of the fact that they'd be doing each other a favor by spending the night together, knowing that being alone in that moment just wasn't a good idea.

She took a deep breath as they entered the hall again, giving herself a nod and repeating to herself that she had had a good day, and that everything would be okay.


End file.
